Let me start off by saying, I love my kids. I love my girls more than anything or anyone in this entire universe.
The last week has been extremely trying on my patience. Zoie is trying to walk and wants freedom and is snatching every and anything (hair, food, skin, you name it, she’ll grab it) McKenzie has been a bit tudey-er than usual the last couple days and although I had a strand of good news all week, I found myself wanting to rip my hair out a few times..(whatever strands I do have left after Zoie has been yanking at it these days)
I hit my peak yesterday when I was on the phone with a girlfriend talking about a few job offers that were recently presented to me and weighing the options. She’s one of my only mom friends so she doesn’t complain or get frustrated when I have to interrupt our conversation 30million times to say “McKenzie stop” “Zoie, no” “McKenzie why is your sister crying?” “McKenzie, please finish your homework“.. you get the gist.. but for some reason it just drove me nearly insane. I usually try to avoid talking on the phone for extended convos while they’re awake at ALL costs because it just NEVER seems to go well. But I really just needed to talk to someone (other than Jesse) about what was going on.
Needless to say the convo ended with us hanging up to tend to our kids and it was like as soon as I hung up a huge cloud of guilt came over me. I felt bad for not wanting to be a mom for just an hour. I just wanted to be ME. To have to worry and care about JUST ME for a split moment. Mama’s you know what I mean right?
Even though it’s 100% normal for any parent to feel overwhelmed at times and just want to be alone to handle their shit + resurface calm cool + collected, I felt like having those emotions made me a shitty mom. I even began to doubt if my kids thought I loved them because I just wanted a moment of silence to be a Twenty-Something woman and chat it up with her friend as I wound down for the evening. (i know i know, i’m dramatic. whatever)
As I settled down for bed later that night, I really had to ask myself about the guilt I felt and why I felt guilty. Why did me wanting time for myself equate to my brain thinking that my kids don’t think I love them? IDK honestly, I’m sure it was a combination of stress, anxiety, etc pouring over. Either way I had to let that shit go. I had to remind myself that I am a great mom and that I wouldn’t be a great mom without making sure I took care of myself first and I clearly was just in need of me time.
With all that being said, I just wanted to share that it’s OK to want to be alone, it’s ok to want to step back for a moment from your other titles as parent, partner, etc. and just be YOU. Pay attention to when your cup is running low so that you can replenish. It is only when we are full and abundant are we able to give 100% of that same care to ourselves to others. Yes, there will be times where sacrifices will be made and putting yourself last will happen. Just don’t forget to make time for YOU.
Comment below what you do in these kinds of situations or what you do to squeeze in your “ME” time.